sometimes u wonder

the heat can get you

even at night.  there are times when it is just relentless.  days and nights, it doesn't matter, the heat is just always there.  sure, you can cheat it, air conditioning or a swim, but it doesn't remove the fact that it is hot.

and you can use that metaphor how ever you want.

at the end of the day, reality is what it is.

in taking the moments of your day if you did not realize that truth -- its balance of perfection -- was the one most desired in that moment, then I guess tomorrow is something you can hope for ... it will probably come, a sure thing.

but, the truth is, "what are words for, when no one listens anymore?"

going with the flow

of a cosmic reality as the gamma rays hit in that palce where it feels like only you could possibly the one with the right(eousness) answer for this moment to be in the perfect moment is the safety net of the blahnde in the room.  the one that just sees that nano that needs a friend.  to identify with a reality is the process of this moment.

to be honest, i have no idea Who "Son of a Preacher Man" belongs to, but whomever it is has until the nhsSolstice2ol3 (location) or this song means to me in this moment.  tantra can be so confusing, but it is the most intriguing of all the disciplines to me.  KeepItSimpleSmartie(=!#findNikiV113)

Any Need 2 Keep This?

So, I am going through "The Box" -- for me, that means the box with all The Trial stuff.  Yucky, mostly, but some of it is enlightening, inspiring, and some of its is straight-up comical.  blAHndes DO have more fun!

Form:  "State of Nevada, Department of Public Safety, Division of Parole and Probation, "PRESENTENCE INVESTIGATION REPORT QUESTIONNAIRE"

Question:  "Briefly describe your childhood and your relationship with your family:"
[2 and 1/3 blank lines to respond].

Answer:  "My childhood was fine, and as I am still my parents' child, my childhood continues to grow and mature."

Question:  "Describe the worst thing that happened to you as a child:"
[2 and 1/2 blank lines for that response].

Answer:  "After graduation from high school, I moved out when my parents decided, for me, where I was to go to college rather than support me and my decision for my higher education."

BTW, my parent's choice:  Oral Roberts  University.  Seriously.  My parents are very strong supporters, just sometimes their priorities in what they support get distracted.  Sigh, yes, they were 700 Club members too (and maybe still are). 

The truth is, given their experience in their childhood, that my parents still breathe on planet earth is inspiring.  And, they are really good people with good intention even if they are too trusting in those who may not be so deserving of it.

Perhaps now, more people can see -- regardless of his intention in the moment to send me to jail for 120 days flat -- what a gift Judge Herndon gave me.  Now, as for his competency level, that is something which needs to be addressed.  Perhaps.  I do like the idea that sometimes the world just takes care of itself like that and I really don't have to "worry about a thing."  Working on the destructive side of change is not always fun, and courtrooms can be fun, but I think I'd rather just paint and play and write and do poetry and drum and use the tuning forks and vibrate and dance and photograph and .... just otherwise do what I do to "unfuck the world"!   =)

So, do I keep the Questionnaire or shred it?  The complex questions in my life.  The form has written on the bottom:  "Original - File                       Copy - Offender" ... since I was the offender, this is a copy and The Original is in The File.  Nice, I get to shred!

the summer tour basic sketch

http://cindysheehanssoapbox.blogspot.com/2013/04/and-then-there-were-threeby-cindy.html

she's biking across america.  actually, its like a road trip and the important parts are on bike.  "fast, free delivery!"  Cindy is once again imposing her life on us.  Fuck her.

For showing us EXACTLY how its done!  Leaving us no excuse to NOT go on the ROAD this Summer.

PERFECT WORLD VISION:

22 Apr. Bobby Furst Joshua Tree California USA gaia 3d here next monday, hapi earthday party fundraiser 4 krystal 2 go to taos, nm and learn about food not bombs ... whatever she wants to learn.  she's one year into a five year plan for Food Not Bombs Palm Springs.  she can do it, she just needs help to get to New Mexico.

May San Diego ... La Jolla Beach, Re.Public (Jonny Mars), Cultural Center Art Exhibition
1-2 June DUK ... Dead Cow Corral, Nevada #*
Cousin Joanna's ... Sierra Nevadas
San Francisco
Grand Canyon
Sedona (Bell for Name Calling 22 June) #**
Gallup
Taos
Portales
Austin
Luckenbacher -- BRIDGET!!!!
Bellville
Houston
Nawlins
Nashville
Asheville
Cape Fear NC ... fuck yeah!  Dave, finally!  =)
July 3 Cindy Sheehan
July 4 Philadelphia Sherri North
July 25 - day out of time The Kiln in NYC? #***
Detroit
rainbow gathering

# days whatever i say is all about you.  and if u r with me, u will know exactly who i am speaking to . . . =)

"ignor.ance is bliss"

empowering other people is a dangerous thing.

do not begin to empower the sex worker who's pimp is jonesing for her.  teaching someone that they are worth something is a threat to other people who prey on another's belief they are worth nothing.  apparently, my blissful ignorance of how i was not supposed to see the potential in another person and share that with them, was wrong.  so wrong, my cel mate told me i needed to leave general population and go into protective custody.

i had begun to mess with the property of the wrong pimp.

sorry, didn't know.  i was just reminding someone that they were a beautiful human being, who had talent, who had a voice to use, who had a dream to pursue, and that she had a choice when she was released from jail to go back to the life someone else decided for her, or try to create the life she would decide for herself.

i still wonder what happened to that young lady who taught me how to use jailhouse colored pencils as makeup.  a talented girl with the notion that lucifer was a woman.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'

"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."  Franz Kafka

That is truth.  Sometimes you need to have an imposed experience to learn the truth.  If this is not the truth, this blog will cease to exist.  Because it is our "blAHnde Moments!" when we realize the truth, life is right in front of us if we look at what we see around us.

How often do you just stop and take a look around and see your reality as it is rather than what you are looking for?  Listening now to the birds chirping and music playing I remember how grateful I am today.  I remember clearly many nites watching the lights fountain up The Plaza's marquee, two lights missing, finding a rhythm in its pattern, hoping that the desire for calm would find syncopation in the noises of the reality I sat.

"BANG. BANG. BANG."  Qwest* has awoken from his slumber as our cel reverberates in the loud banging sound that I imagine is a lead pipe striking a metal door, but knowing that in "the hole" he has nothing even remotely close to a lead pipe and it extends beyond my imagination how he can make such a loud noise.  Maybe he'll just go back to sleep.

"PUNK BITCH FUCKING WHITE HO!"  Nope -- no such luck he's up for another round of shouting at the top of his lungs.

Are the birds any less disturbing?  Are the kids in the living room?  What about the neighbor's barking dog?  There is always a dissonance in your reality to challenge your sense of balance and reality, embrace it and find where a new reality of balance and calm can find itself.

*Qwest, really, his street name.  How I learned his name is a whole different story.

DUK: Oreos are Vegan

Seriously, Did U Know, Oreos have no milk or eggs.  In fact, they were not even made or manufactured in a facility that processes milk or eggs.  How do I know?  Because after the "crackdown," we found out Oreos are Vegan when the kitchen gave us new dietary restrictions to help eliminate the fakers from our midst.

Why someone would choose to have vegetarian meal and then eat a Slim Jim ? ? ? jail.  sometimes, people in jail are challenged with continuity issues.

This was so short, I thought I would include a jailhouse recipe for a "burrito":  1 Top Ramen, 1 bag of chips (preferably Hot Cheetos or Nacho Cheese Doritos), 1 Slim Jim (optional).

Take your bag of chips, be sure to open it carefully because that bag will be what you use to mix and 'cook' your burrito, eat about 1/3 to 1/2 the bag.  After smashing the Tom Ramen in its package, empty the Ramen noodles in to the chips bag, smash, crunch and mix well.  Add Top Ramen flavor pack and optional Slim Jim. Mix well and add water, not too much, just enough to bring the "meal" together.  Once thoroughly mixed, fold in chips bag and "bake."

"Baking" in jail requires the only rule one must know and understand:  "Know your correctional officers."  To bake a "burrito" requires to put the bag on top of the light.  Just, do not get caught doing that by the wrong Correctional Officer!

Holding Cells Bare Responsibilities

Holding cells are fascinating places.   Everyone has a story in a holding cell.  If you think your story is unusual or that you are extraordinary in any way, you will find out how ordinary you really are in a holding cell.  The "Holding Cell" represents THE place where we capture every single "Mistake"  in our society and sort it out.  Including those made by a certain blonde.

I suppose it begins with "grounding" in high school or maybe even "go sit in the corner" or "timeout" when we are children, but The Question we must ask, to get to The Truth, is after we are adults does anyone have the right to take away another adult's freedom?  That is what I had to sit and contemplate for 11 days in the North Las Vegas Detention Center.

More was taken away from me in those 11 days than during the 120 Flat Time I did in Vegas.  Sometimes, for thoughts to expand in their potential, that which used to be true needs to be taken completely away.  I don't know if I ever consciously did that before they put me in jail, but I do know that I started to consciously do it in jail because that was all I could do to survive, let alone thrive, in that environment.

On very practical levels, human beings tend to adjust to more efficient models and ways of thinking -- "technology" is a good practical example.  It is on the very intimate levels, where the challenge of this expanding concept displaces realities you do not know even exist.   We experience the intimate levels in our everyday personal lives more readily than say the intimate impact of a new app on the iNet, but the same principles will apply.  And, in our emotional driven culture here in America, the impact of the shift in thoughts on the intimate levels very quickly is illuminated in our everyday reality.
  

"Perhaps it should be that the future unknown is our greatest mystery that teases us daily to find profound connection to this moment so that the future has a meaning greater than that which we know or can even hope to imagine.  If I'm really honest with that part of me that holds the gnosis my my being, this moment is the future I knew would exist.  And that gives me cause to wonder, of course, about how free is "free will."  There were so many points and decisions that *could* have changed this present reality, but in thinking of those choices and decisions -- save of course the 'blond moment' -- none of my decisions would I or could I have changed."

Having made that last bold statement from a jail cell was easy.  In reality out here where the choices of life are really all mine, second guessing is a game to be entertained.  And, not second guessing from a 'regret' point of view, and in that way my statement stands, but in the way of 'the blonde moment'.  After the "blonde moment" kicked in, what decisions were being made, what thoughts and emotions were behind them and the balance of the two in leading to the decisions that were made.

Not being aware of another person's corruption is the most common thread I found in listening to the stories shared with me in jail.  As a mom, I know sometimes a good "grounding" can be helpful; and, I like to think of my experience as such (even if I agree with Judge Dahl that the State of Nevada wasn't authorized to do what they did to me).  Awareness grows with deeper grounding into the experience of our own existence.

sigh.  time to meditate or something.

am i being defiant?

seriously ... will you please someone, anyone tell me if i am being defiant to the point where i would EVER face imprisonment again!  I WILL LISTEN to you if you tell me if I am being TOO defiant. 

I was just raised to empower my voice and I was always granted the liberty of using MY SOAP BOX ... even if it meant I needed to do it at home, in my room with the door closed and just a keyboard, a modem and my transistor radio!

"so, in addition to any other human being on planet earth, i know my mother and father read my blogs.  maybe i am being "too defiant" judge herndon, but maybe you should listen to them about their daughter and her "criminal intent" -- you know, that "mens rea" thing you need in order to imprison anyone in a civilized, sane society." -- Running Rant!

Because the story isn't really that different than anything else you would find on television.  But it did happen to me -- my parent's daughter.  So, as the Mother of My Daughter, I need to be CERTAIN The Story of Her Mother is written and spoken in my words . . . or their words, with only the context I can have being the person having done what I did.  What I did that got me sent to jail for 121+ days of our lives together.

"The Suggestion wasn't even made.  So, in a sense, It was a collective blonde moment for everyone involved.  But, as I sit on the upper bunk in room 20, in module 3D or "David," of the Clark County Detention Center in Las Vegas, Nevada, watching the fountaining lights of The Plaza Hotel & Casino, I just say, "Damn.  Imprisoned for a blonde moment!"

"The Suggestion" being was that I was not right.  No one said to me, "Elaine, you are wrong.  Do ______ instead."  Warnings were given to me that I HEARD and CHOSE to either (a) believe they could not be real, (b) the people involved or that I got involved were who I was working with to create my reality, or (c) if they are real and that is why I was NOT wrong.  Mostly it was (a), hence the blonde moment of my decision that resulted in the reality that became my life. 

I do hope I have lived and learned and know the difference between (a), (b) and (c) a little bit better.  But until I am sure, I'll continue to allow the randomness of the universe lead the way and just x.perience this blahhhhnde moment.

Realize every moment of every second you are alive and be in URmoment a most amazing reality.  Write #URownStoryEveryDay.

peace & harmony,
niki
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'

'scum of the urth'

that's who goes to jail ... right?!!!! 

so.  that's me.  who else goes to jail?
addicts?
junkies?
hookers?
thieves?
murderers?
molesters?

pretty much.  but mostly what i found in jail . . . humans.  and a whole lot of stories.  there were girls in there that needed to be in there.  reality be told ... I NEEDED 2 B N THERE.  i still maybe do not even REALLY know y, but for some reason, I needed to be in there to experience this Reality in this moment instead of a moment I would have been in IF i had not gone to jail.

"The suggestion wasn't even made."

Wrong.  The Suggestion was made.  It just did not make sense to me and She could not explain it either.  So Cindy agreed with me to bring the boy to her at the Trustee's Office.  Even though we Both Knew Craig Kadlub would get involved.  She would have had to be my co-conspirator if a conspiracy was involved.  I wonder why my "Attorney" never even raised THAT ? . . . . sigh.  life is always full of interesting recollections! 

Boy, that part of The Story needs to be explained, maybe the Police Report would help.  I'll post it up tomorrow.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'liberties ARE best taken straight up!' - Nikohl Vandel sez "thank u 4 reading my blogs!!!!"

Why We Do Things

We do things because we can.  It is as simple as that.  As soon as we give ourselves permission that something is "ok," if we desire it, we do it.  Individually and collectively, we do it.

It is now intrinsic in our societal structure to exclude in order to create our Living or Operational Reality.  In our Operation Reality, we are completely capitalistic in our structure.  And, unfortunately, most, if not all, behavior is justified, codified, regulated and manipulated to suit the Governing Norms.

The Governing Norms that makes no sense to me are those of enslavement and imprisonment -- the taking of the freedoms and liberties of another human being -- just because it can be done.  The arbitrariness of the judicial system, based on its intrinsic needs to protect itself, becomes less so when viewed from the inside.  Inside a jail cell, the system of efficiency is self-evident.

"The only thing that makes jail so different is that its unknown, until it is experienced, that is.  Each day someone new comes in (like me) and its a whole different world -- completely self-contained and dedicated to self-perpetuation.  If anyone in America still has the illusion that our jails and prisons are designed to (a) punish or (b) rehabilitate, I'm here to completely shatter that illusion.  Prisons and jails are big business and what does every business need to succeed?  Repeat customers.  Our jails are structurally and functionally designed to create and perpetuate the criminal consumer."

You see, before I experienced this, I thought we supported the judicial system in order to perpetuate a system of ethical behavior in our Living Reality.

Are not jails and our judicial system supposed to be

about creating a society of JUSTICE?

or
was it about ECONOMICS all along?

I'm not a hater.  If its about Economics, that's fine.  Just why was I told that it is about helping people, who may not have any other kind of help, become a functioning -- if not a happy and functioning -- part of our society?

Did I misunderstand my parents when they explained that to me?

Did I misunderstand the church when I learned about it there?

Did I miss something completely?

I thought we wanted everyone happy and functioning in our society.  

Help.  Very dizzy and confused right now.

"For Me?!! Really!!" Gifts In Jail

Books.  That is the only gift, besides money for your "book", you can give to anyone in jail.

"Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill is a classic.  My sister sent it to me in jail.  She has a clever sense of humor.  I use "The Book," for reference to Hill's classic.

"The Book says to make decisions quickly and don't look back.  I'm not sure if that's good advice or not.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  Although I THINK perhaps my better one's were made quickly -- I KNOW my defining one's have been made quickly.  But I really don't know why I'm so undecided on writing -- no, not writing because I've already written it -- but submitting it.  Maybe I just am exhausted by the futility of everything.  Truly, everything is futile.  When you sit and think about how completely imprisoned we are in our illusions of grandeur and importance, when all it takes is one person -- just one person who has been given "authority" or "control" or "power" that can forever change the life you want to live and think you are "creating."  Futility to do anything in a picture of hopelessness....  Oh, what folly does any of this mean on this Earth Day as I sit here in jail?  Probably absolutely nothing.  Should I ever be able to piece together anything meaningful from these thoughts, at least we know where it all first came together."

And, then I had a little "footnote," off to the side of that writing: "I wonder what Revelations 11:11 says?" 

And then I looked it up and had a good laugh, not so much because of the text of the passage, but because the ixQuik search engine brought me first to the "Skeptic's Annotated Bible," and their banner advertisements: 

on the top: 

Arrest Records:  2 Secrets

InstantCheckmate.com

1) Type Name and State 2) Unlimited Secrets About Anyone. Takes Seconds

and across the bottom:

 

Seminario de Financiera

RichDadEducationSeminars.com/Gratis

Llegando al area de Palm Springs Feberero 12-14.  ¡Registrese Hoy!

 So, the mystery of the randomness of the universe through whatever vibrational synchronicity we maintain our existence, thanks to AdChoice, we have been brought back full circle.  Oh, yes, and while that note was really in reference to that part of my writing that I've "...." for a future time, after I followed that white rabbit, I had to include it here because it was meant to be, obviously, for our amusement. 

Be in love or as close to it as possible in each moment.

peace & harmony,
elaine x

'liberties are best taken straight up!' - nikohl vandel

Jailhouse Fantasies

 So, in jail, I got to fill my days and nights with anything I wanted.  Well, anything I wanted from that which was available to me:  My pen, paper, pencils and no more than 3 books.  And, I really didn't have to do anything else.  If I wanted to eat, I could eat or not.  If I wanted to go out for my hour of free time, I could or not.

The librarian of any jail has got to be the most interesting job on planet earth!  While their selection is "Best Selling" novel heavy, I must say, they do present broad variety of books on how to kill and kill and kill some more.  I would say easily 78% of the books I read involved a murder or other violent crime, 20% were non-fiction and 2% were fiction that were just nice stories.

The following blAHnde Moment jumped out at me as I was reading my writings from jail, as at the top of the page was quoted, "deep throbbing penetration into her wet, warm tightness."   "Goodness!  What was happening that day?!" I asked myself as I scrolled back to find its context:

"Gray daze...outside and inside.  Maybe just the Monday morning blues.  Maybe its hormonal.  Maybe it is the overcast weather.  I have decided that of all the minions of infinite mind loops that one can follow while staring at a white concrete block in the dim light that never allows true darkness to fall, the most vicious one is that of a sexual nature.  Fantasy has no place in a cel, but all thoughts beyond this cel are just that -- fantasy -- save perhaps those of memory.  Even with the attempts at sexual arousal by those 'Best Selling' novelists who fancy themselves erotic enough to include the obligatory sex scene or two amongst their leading man and woman -- usually while in the midst of their life and death struggle against some heinous violent serial killer madman who threatens them even in that most intimate moment, let alone that 'deep throbbing penetration into her wet, warm tightness' -- the best one can go for in this hard sterile environment is the world of fantasy....  And without a single piece of "eye candy" to even begin to appear in this environment, you are really left only to memories.  And those are just too real to have any place in an environment this surreal."

When life is simple, every decision is important, even if you only have 2 to 3 to make. 

peace & harmony,
elaine x
'liberties are best taken straight up." -niki v.