"ignor.ance is bliss"

empowering other people is a dangerous thing.

do not begin to empower the sex worker who's pimp is jonesing for her.  teaching someone that they are worth something is a threat to other people who prey on another's belief they are worth nothing.  apparently, my blissful ignorance of how i was not supposed to see the potential in another person and share that with them, was wrong.  so wrong, my cel mate told me i needed to leave general population and go into protective custody.

i had begun to mess with the property of the wrong pimp.

sorry, didn't know.  i was just reminding someone that they were a beautiful human being, who had talent, who had a voice to use, who had a dream to pursue, and that she had a choice when she was released from jail to go back to the life someone else decided for her, or try to create the life she would decide for herself.

i still wonder what happened to that young lady who taught me how to use jailhouse colored pencils as makeup.  a talented girl with the notion that lucifer was a woman.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'

DUK: Oreos are Vegan

Seriously, Did U Know, Oreos have no milk or eggs.  In fact, they were not even made or manufactured in a facility that processes milk or eggs.  How do I know?  Because after the "crackdown," we found out Oreos are Vegan when the kitchen gave us new dietary restrictions to help eliminate the fakers from our midst.

Why someone would choose to have vegetarian meal and then eat a Slim Jim ? ? ? jail.  sometimes, people in jail are challenged with continuity issues.

This was so short, I thought I would include a jailhouse recipe for a "burrito":  1 Top Ramen, 1 bag of chips (preferably Hot Cheetos or Nacho Cheese Doritos), 1 Slim Jim (optional).

Take your bag of chips, be sure to open it carefully because that bag will be what you use to mix and 'cook' your burrito, eat about 1/3 to 1/2 the bag.  After smashing the Tom Ramen in its package, empty the Ramen noodles in to the chips bag, smash, crunch and mix well.  Add Top Ramen flavor pack and optional Slim Jim. Mix well and add water, not too much, just enough to bring the "meal" together.  Once thoroughly mixed, fold in chips bag and "bake."

"Baking" in jail requires the only rule one must know and understand:  "Know your correctional officers."  To bake a "burrito" requires to put the bag on top of the light.  Just, do not get caught doing that by the wrong Correctional Officer!

Why We Do Things

We do things because we can.  It is as simple as that.  As soon as we give ourselves permission that something is "ok," if we desire it, we do it.  Individually and collectively, we do it.

It is now intrinsic in our societal structure to exclude in order to create our Living or Operational Reality.  In our Operation Reality, we are completely capitalistic in our structure.  And, unfortunately, most, if not all, behavior is justified, codified, regulated and manipulated to suit the Governing Norms.

The Governing Norms that makes no sense to me are those of enslavement and imprisonment -- the taking of the freedoms and liberties of another human being -- just because it can be done.  The arbitrariness of the judicial system, based on its intrinsic needs to protect itself, becomes less so when viewed from the inside.  Inside a jail cell, the system of efficiency is self-evident.

"The only thing that makes jail so different is that its unknown, until it is experienced, that is.  Each day someone new comes in (like me) and its a whole different world -- completely self-contained and dedicated to self-perpetuation.  If anyone in America still has the illusion that our jails and prisons are designed to (a) punish or (b) rehabilitate, I'm here to completely shatter that illusion.  Prisons and jails are big business and what does every business need to succeed?  Repeat customers.  Our jails are structurally and functionally designed to create and perpetuate the criminal consumer."

You see, before I experienced this, I thought we supported the judicial system in order to perpetuate a system of ethical behavior in our Living Reality.

Are not jails and our judicial system supposed to be

about creating a society of JUSTICE?

or
was it about ECONOMICS all along?

I'm not a hater.  If its about Economics, that's fine.  Just why was I told that it is about helping people, who may not have any other kind of help, become a functioning -- if not a happy and functioning -- part of our society?

Did I misunderstand my parents when they explained that to me?

Did I misunderstand the church when I learned about it there?

Did I miss something completely?

I thought we wanted everyone happy and functioning in our society.  

Help.  Very dizzy and confused right now.

In A Holding Cel

DON'T MISS SHIT
U don't have to miss
because U R doing
something that feeds that
which takes away UR power.
birds of a feather flock together (right?),
so, B the bird U want to B
and those who are 2
will B there right
there with you.
maybe,
not
?

I was reminded by John Carlos about, "just showing up" as being the most important thing you can ever do.  If you are there, you are given the opportunity to be a part of the experience.  Even if you are not "there" be where you are, and the opportunity to experience the life you are creating has a chance.  Do everything you can to be where you think you want to be -- where you think you need to be -- and then let it go.  And just experience what is.

I was sitting in a holding cel in the North Las Vegas Detention Center on 13 September 2008.  I missed the 2008 September Strip Peace Walk memorializing the moment on 11 September our whole world reached critical mass for the change that we now see as clear as day.  It was, for me, a very important walk because it brought together all the sides for one common reason, re-member-ing. 

And, from each group we outreached to be a part of the Walk -- from the Support The Troops (the "flag wavers") and Veterans groups to the 9-11 Truth Out to everyone in between -- they were going to each lead a part of the walk from the Statue of Liberty to our Federal Building, showing solidarity that no matter where we are in our beliefs concerning 11 September, we remember together and we will go forward from there -- having come together for that time in a unifying singular purpose.

September 13 was about building a "more perfect union" based on a deep impacting event that hit our nation -- our world.  While I sat in the cel, pacing as I did that day, I tried so hard to understand what was going on -- why I was there -- in that holding cel rather than experiencing that walk.  There was, that day, no real answer or explanation in my head.

But, today, the answer to that changes every day because there is no one reason why anything happens.

Any given experience of the individual is the result of the interaction between the choices of the individual and everyone else on the planet in that moment.  When we experience a homeless person and feel whatever it is we feel, that is the same connection.  Whether you are strangers or intimates, your choices have the same connection to the continuum of life that is experienced by everyone, every day.  The impact of your choices vary, obviously, on those most closely to you with those half-a-world away, but the connection is always the same.

Everything we create and experience creates our world, together.  And, we do what we do, ultimately for one reason:  the survival our species.  Sure, we can go to the ego and say all our personal reasons for doing any one thing, but underneath all that it is about our collective survival -- our children.

Protect our children -- all of them.  Plan for the future -- for all of them.  Be with them -- all of them.  They are never not our children, our future, our only hope, our survival.  Love them without prejudice.

discriminate = hate = violence = death.

love = love.

K.I.S.S., for us blondes!

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'

Ooops, And I Call That "Persistence"!

today is day one of the conclusory third (or final 4 months) of a very strange year.

i wonder where lisa luzaich went to law schools some days.  she's a smart attorney, her ethics are, in my opinion, completely questionable . . . at least as far as I understand the ethics required and oaths taken when one becomes a lawyer.  it is definitely clear to me that she has a completely different understanding of the meanings of, at least, the oath of her "office" as an attorney and member of the bar and court.  if this is how she's allowed to act by her fellow attorneys, the state bar and the courts, there's no reason to not do what she did -- why not go with what you know, were taught, didn't question -- it makes life easy for you.

as i look in that mirror that everyone is reflecting back at me, i see a whole lot of myself in lisa luzaich.  maybe it was the schools we went to or something where our paths started taking tangential routes, who knows.  maybe her bar is closer to the truth than mine, i'm willing to entertain that notion as well.  maybe she is just a reflection of who i could have been and chose not to be, and so i can accept her despite her choices.

after all, that's what i want the world to do for me, right?

accept me as i am because of, despite of, or in spite of, my choices.

121 days.  how much is one day in YOUR life worth?  did you ever think about that?  quantify it in terms of value, which quantification we do so well -- we are so fast at quantifying and costing out collateral damage whether its one or 250,000 human lives. 

so, now, a reflection from jail.

" Determination (or persistence) --
doing the same thing over and over again
expecting things to change.  B) "

i was tired of being told that i was 'crazy' or 'insane' for making the choices that i made in the moment.  

i do not know the definition of 'cruel and unusual punishment,' but this is about the third week in a row that i have woken up depressed.  Ever since they took "Armstrong" away.  I never met her.  I only heard her.  She was in a cel on the lower tier.  She was often funny, playing with the officers to the amusement and enjoyment for everyone, including herself.  But the precarious edge where the genius in all of us resides, has a bit more of an edge in some, Armstrong's edge was very ragged.

i wonder still if she was truly psychologically that helpless or whether, she understood everything and was playing the game she found herself in, and was finding the only way of making it interesting for herself.  Too bad she likely wasn't given too many options or ideas -- or, most likely, those options and ideas were quickly quashed in her by those who 'knew better' -- when she was a child.

if i ever hear about Armstrong again, and its not good news, i have my notes from my time in jail with her, and they are none to supportive of the way she was treated in jail.  but, i already filled out a form and turned it in to the lieutenant on my next to my last day -- that 120th day -- its on someone else to pick-up that ball if its going to be.  did i tell you i had to spend an extra day in jail? 

yep, how much is that day worth you reckon?  if its like one of those days, its worth a whole lot.  if it was a day like it should have been, just another day, it wouldn't be worth as much.

or perhaps i have that backwards.

there are days that are priceless.

know that today is one of them.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'

lingering asAHlts

Today is day 120.  Murphy's law is in full effect.  I was supposed to be released by now, yet here I sit.  Some unknown error with the court's order and some uncertainty that it really says and means, "release this woman after she has been here 120 days!"  The CCDC mantra rears its head, "For it to be right, it requires thinking ... this is what it is, and all it can be."

So, here I sit because someone is afraid to believe that is written, that I am, indeed to be released now.  That they are supposed to do what is written on the computer (they never lie do they?).  They do that, you know, release people who are not supposed to be released.  I saw it happen twice in my four month stay.  One was a working girl; she was back with us by the following weekend.  The other was in on a domestic violence charge, so she'll likely not cause you any problems unless you know her ... and then, likely, you know all about it.

Sometimes I scratch my head and just glaze over at the wonder of this whole thing, as I have experienced a little slice of life that most people only either glorify or vilify, each to immobilizing degrees.  An experience I never in my grandest imagination thought I would experience -- putting people in them, maybe.  Standing vigil protesting the death penalty, perhaps.  And, I learned the truth that we all already know:  Jail is exactly how people think it is -- as all reality is.

Jail is "a waiting place" that immobilizes the mind more than it could ever imprison a body.  Living a life in the cycle based on the glamour of the thug life -- and there is a glamour about it, a whole society and social standing, with the only glass ceiling being one that is injected by a needle or strapped to a buzzing chair -- the form of structure of which is initiated in our public schools with their methods of inmate or, rather, student "control," their jargon and the like.  If there are lines painted on the floors in the hallways of your child's school, and one can hear words like 'lock down,' your's is a school built on the structure of a jail. (josb!)

But, for most of us, the paralysis is completely self-inflicted.  And the fear of doing ANYTHING that could possibly result in jail, living a life so scared of the consequences of making a decision -- as some decisions, regardless of intent, can invariable and inexplicably be found to be defined as criminal in some statute on the books -- or not.  But, the truth is, if you're in jail, they can keep you here just because we have abdicated our authority, rights and freedoms and now our governmental system allows incarceration at their discretion ... and, if it can be, it will be sorted out later -- months or even years later.  (josb!)

I have no doubt, when the court opens in the morning, someone will use a brain cell, make a decision and release me, and I promise I won't even press charges against them for doing so!

* * *

It is now, officially, my 121st day in Clark County Detention Center.  Ahhh, the moment lingers.

* * *

But, as the truth be told, it was I who was lingering.  Be VERY VERY careful what you say to the universe.

I had several writing deadlines I set for myself -- all extraordinarily ambitious because, of course, I'm going to have all this "free" time to just write (LOL!) ... anyway, there was my "mom, talk me a story" stories that I had to finish -- at least that little short story for my daughter the next time she asked me to 'talk her a story,' I could give it to her, and say, "here, go read it for yourself!"  jk, s!  That was the one I knew I could finish, should finish ... "or don't bother calling yourself a writer!"

YIKES!  My lips, my words, out loud to no one one but me, myself and I after I moved into my cel in protective custody.  Surely with all this solitude, aloneness, no distractions, I can and will write!

Of course, I kept putting it off, and putting it off.  And, it wasn't like I didn't know what I was going to write.  I had crafted the ending in my mind and knew what I had to write.  When packing everything up, I put it in there, thinking to myself, "I'll wait and type it at home, its so much faster than writing with these pencils."

I even read another entire Sue Grafton book as I lay on my cot, unable to sleep as the sun came up, then breakfast, then comes "free time" with the girls.  I'm in the day room, watching and listening to all the same things, I had to leave ... now!  After all I am not supposed to be here!

So, I tell everyone good-bye, sneak in one hug, and went back up to my room, voluntarily locking myself in my room, unable to get out again if I changed my mind to accept the freedom that was being offered to me.  I sat down, wrote my little blurb on the Grafton airplane book, then I unpacked my other writing projects, pulled out the story and wrote it out -- long hand.

I penciled "The End" and there was a knock on my door, it was opened ... "I thought u were ready to go!  Roll it up Clermont already.  Do you not want to go home?"  She laughed with me, this one did, as I repacked everything and told her, "Thank you, officer, for waiting for me.  But I could leave it all for someone else to clean up if I need to!"  And, she said the sweetest thing to me, "they're worse things they could do!"

She was one of three officers who shook my hand in four months.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'