the diary and thoughts from my four month "sabbatical" in the Clark County (Nevada) Detention Center aka CCDC, and all that i am learning and have learned from that experience ... tym continues forward.
We do things because we can. It is as simple as that. As soon as we give ourselves permission that something is "ok," if we desire it, we do it. Individually and collectively, we do it.
It is now intrinsic in our societal structure to exclude in order to create our Living or Operational Reality. In our Operation Reality, we are completely capitalistic in our structure. And, unfortunately, most, if not all, behavior is justified, codified, regulated and manipulated to suit the Governing Norms.
The Governing Norms that makes no sense to me are those of enslavement and imprisonment -- the taking of the freedoms and liberties of another human being -- just because it can be done. The arbitrariness of the judicial system, based on its intrinsic needs to protect itself, becomes less so when viewed from the inside. Inside a jail cell, the system of efficiency is self-evident.
"The only thing that makes jail so different is that its unknown, until it is experienced, that is. Each day someone new comes in (like me) and its a whole different world -- completely self-contained and dedicated to self-perpetuation. If anyone in America still has the illusion that our jails and prisons are designed to (a) punish or (b) rehabilitate, I'm here to completely shatter that illusion. Prisons and jails are big business and what does every business need to succeed? Repeat customers. Our jails are structurally and functionally designed to create and perpetuate the criminal consumer."
You see, before I experienced this, I thought we supported the judicial system in order to perpetuate a system of ethical behavior in our Living Reality.
Are not jails and our judicial system supposed to be
about creating a society of JUSTICE?
or was it about ECONOMICS all along?
I'm not a hater. If its about Economics, that's fine. Just why was I told that it is about helping people, who may not have any other kind of help, become a functioning -- if not a happy and functioning -- part of our society?
Did I misunderstand my parents when they explained that to me?
Did I misunderstand the church when I learned about it there?
Did I miss something completely?
I thought we wanted everyone happy and functioning in our society.
Books. That is the only gift, besides money for your "book", you can give to anyone in jail.
"Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill is a classic. My sister sent it to me in jail. She has a clever sense of humor. I use "The Book," for reference to Hill's classic.
"The Book says to make decisions quickly and don't look back. I'm not sure if that's good advice or not. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Although I THINK perhaps my better one's were made quickly -- I KNOW my defining one's have been made quickly. But I really don't know why I'm so undecided on writing -- no, not writing because I've already written it -- but submitting it. Maybe I just am exhausted by the futility of everything. Truly, everything is futile. When you sit and think about how completely imprisoned we are in our illusions of grandeur and importance, when all it takes is one person -- just one person who has been given "authority" or "control" or "power" that can forever change the life you want to live and think you are "creating." Futility to do anything in a picture of hopelessness.... Oh, what folly does any of this mean on this Earth Day as I sit here in jail? Probably absolutely nothing. Should I ever be able to piece together anything meaningful from these thoughts, at least we know where it all first came together."
And, then I had a little "footnote," off to the side of that writing: "I wonder what Revelations 11:11 says?"
And then I looked it up and had a good laugh, not so much because of the text of the passage, but because the ixQuik search engine brought me first to the "Skeptic's Annotated Bible," and their banner advertisements:
on the top:
Arrest Records: 2 Secrets
InstantCheckmate.com
1) Type Name and State 2) Unlimited Secrets About Anyone. Takes Seconds
and across the bottom:
Seminario de Financiera
RichDadEducationSeminars.com/Gratis
Llegando al area de Palm Springs Feberero 12-14. ¡Registrese Hoy!
So, the mystery of the randomness of the
universe through whatever vibrational synchronicity we maintain our
existence, thanks to AdChoice, we have been brought back full circle.
Oh, yes, and while that note was really in reference to that part of my
writing that I've "...." for a future time, after I followed that white
rabbit, I had to include it here because it was meant to be, obviously,
for our amusement.
Be in love or as close to it as possible in each moment.
peace & harmony, elaine x
'liberties are best taken straight up!' - nikohl vandel
So, in jail, I got to fill my days and nights with anything I wanted. Well, anything I wanted from that which was available to me: My pen, paper, pencils and no more than 3 books. And, I really didn't have to do anything else. If I wanted to eat, I could eat or not. If I wanted to go out for my hour of free time, I could or not.
The librarian of any jail has got to be the most interesting job on planet earth! While their selection is "Best Selling" novel heavy, I must say, they do present broad variety of books on how to kill and kill and kill some more. I would say easily 78% of the books I read involved a murder or other violent crime, 20% were non-fiction and 2% were fiction that were just nice stories.
The following blAHnde Moment jumped out at me as I was reading my writings from jail, as at the top of the page was quoted, "deep throbbing penetration into her wet, warm tightness." "Goodness! What was happening that day?!" I asked myself as I scrolled back to find its context:
"Gray daze...outside and inside. Maybe just the Monday morning blues. Maybe its hormonal. Maybe it is the overcast weather. I have decided that of all the minions of infinite mind loops that one can follow while staring at a white concrete block in the dim light that never allows true darkness to fall, the most vicious one is that of a sexual nature. Fantasy has no place in a cel, but all thoughts beyond this cel are just that -- fantasy -- save perhaps those of memory. Even with the attempts at sexual arousal by those 'Best Selling' novelists who fancy themselves erotic enough to include the obligatory sex scene or two amongst their leading man and woman -- usually while in the midst of their life and death struggle against some heinous violent serial killer madman who threatens them even in that most intimate moment, let alone that 'deep throbbing penetration into her wet, warm tightness' -- the best one can go for in this hard sterile environment is the world of fantasy.... And without a single piece of "eye candy" to even begin to appear in this environment, you are really left only to memories. And those are just too real to have any place in an environment this surreal."
When life is simple, every decision is important, even if you only have 2 to 3 to make.
peace & harmony,
elaine x
'liberties are best taken straight up." -niki v.
DON'T MISS SHIT
U don't have to miss
because U R doing
something that feeds that
which takes away UR power.
birds of a feather flock together (right?),
so, B the bird U want to B
and those who are 2
will B there right
there with you.
maybe,
not
?
I was reminded by John Carlos about, "just showing up" as being the most important thing you can ever do. If you are there, you are given the opportunity to be a part of the experience. Even if you are not "there" be where you are, and the opportunity to experience the life you are creating has a chance. Do everything you can to be where you think you want to be -- where you think you need to be -- and then let it go. And just experience what is.
I was sitting in a holding cel in the North Las Vegas Detention Center on 13 September 2008. I missed the 2008 September Strip Peace Walk memorializing the moment on 11 September our whole world reached critical mass for the change that we now see as clear as day. It was, for me, a very important walk because it brought together all the sides for one common reason, re-member-ing.
And, from each group we outreached to be a part of the Walk -- from the Support The Troops (the "flag wavers") and Veterans groups to the 9-11 Truth Out to everyone in between -- they were going to each lead a part of the walk from the Statue of Liberty to our Federal Building, showing solidarity that no matter where we are in our beliefs concerning 11 September, we remember together and we will go forward from there -- having come together for that time in a unifying singular purpose.
September 13 was about building a "more perfect union" based on a deep impacting event that hit our nation -- our world. While I sat in the cel, pacing as I did that day, I tried so hard to understand what was going on -- why I was there -- in that holding cel rather than experiencing that walk. There was, that day, no real answer or explanation in my head.
But, today, the answer to that changes every day because there is no one reason why anything happens.
Any given experience of the individual is the result of the interaction between the choices of the individual and everyone else on the planet in that moment. When we experience a homeless person and feel whatever it is we feel, that is the same connection. Whether you are strangers or intimates, your choices have the same connection to the continuum of life that is experienced by everyone, every day. The impact of your choices vary, obviously, on those most closely to you with those half-a-world away, but the connection is always the same.
Everything we create and experience creates our world, together. And, we do what we do, ultimately for one reason: the survival our species. Sure, we can go to the ego and say all our personal reasons for doing any one thing, but underneath all that it is about our collective survival -- our children.
Protect our children -- all of them. Plan for the future -- for all of them. Be with them -- all of them. They are never not our children, our future, our only hope, our survival. Love them without prejudice.
discriminate = hate = violence = death.
love = love.
K.I.S.S., for us blondes!
peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'
present company included, because of some stupid mistake they made.
OR DO THEY? DO I? I spent many an afternoon, evening, morning, middle of the night, laying down staring at a white wall or white ceiling, wondering why we jail people for making mistakes?
Think about the last mistake you made and what if your entire life was turned upside down because now you had to take a 4 month hiatus from your life in the next instant.
Because, that's how fast if could happen.
Think about it for a bit.
Everything and
Everyone
Gone.
It makes you definitely think about all that you do in this moment a bit more critically, doesn't it. And, I did a lot of that in jail -- criticizing that is. I have notebooks full of papers with lots of words about everything that happened to me and criticizing everyone for why i was in jail. But, the truth was, i was in jail and no one but me controlled that -- well, i'm sure that [insert Enemy X here] would like to think they had a part in it -- but, i was the one sitting there, and i knew it was, ultimately, my choice to be there.
The reflection on those thoughts are very different today than it was during week 3 or even 14. I could have walked away from it all. I was given several opportunities to do just that. But if you walk away from every opportunity for experience because of fear of the consequences, well, you walk away. Life can be found while walking away, but I think I discovered I'm a "just walk into it" kinda girl!
" Determination (or persistence) --
doing the same thing over and over again
expecting things to change. B) "
As, always, there is the possibility that i have it backwards.
There are days that can never happen again.
Know that today is one of them.
peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'
" Determination (or persistence) --
doing the same thing over and over again
expecting things to change. B) "
in jail, my first room (or cel), had a great view of the plaza hotel and casino. everyday i could sit on my bunk and i was almost able to watch the sun set behind the mountains through the dirt frosted window. but every evening, right at that place where the sun is about to hit the top of the mountains, the view was cut off by a parking garage.
instead, my sensory highlight of the evening was watching the plaza's brilliant lights flash on every night at a time that never seemed the same, but in reality, probably was. the second 'a' on the hotel tower's marquee was out. that, of course, changed the "plaza" into the "plaz" . . . which allowed me to think about Plas Johnson, the saxophone player who blew out the classic theme song to The Pink Panther. which thought, of course, led me to think about how i even know who Plas Johnson is, and that reminded me of my husband. and, of course, in the next nanosecond, my daughter joins him there in my head.
'fuck!' (yes, mom, cover your ears/eyes if you have to at this point in our lives) • • •
'why am i here?'
i like to think that i'm a reasonably smart idealist. i mean, i know not to mix chlorine and ammonia and that oil and water do not mix unless you add a whole lot of chemicals to them, and then its probably best to not consume that. i'm at least as smart as the average bear, so why am i sitting here, looking at the plaza hotel's sign light up and finding songs in my head that match the rhythm of the casino's fountaining lights?
and the plaza is there in all its glory, so famed now thanks to Stephen King, which thought naturally leads me to one of the best things about my jail experience: the books. novels, even! one afternoon i contemplated on when i stopped reading for the sheer pleasure of it. it just kind of happened and i decided that at some point i must have switched to tv, probably thinking (or not!), it IS sitting right there AND the remote control is in my hand. control, nice.
i watched my first episode of 'American Idol' one evening in jail -- that was high rent free time. that's the night i learned the myth of true value of snickers and red hot cheetos is to be believed, AND how to make a jailhouse tamale with top ramen noodles, those red hot cheetos and/or doritos, a little nacho "cheese" sauce if you have it, and a little water (hold the 'slim jim' for us vegetarians, please).
which brings me back to my point, why was i in jail? i know, for today, why i was in jail: to understand freedom, and to allow my mind the freedom to float like this whenever it wanted, and get used to that feeling again. you remember that, don't you, back when you actually allowed yourself to feel anything, and everything if u were curious enough.
"allowing my thoughts to flow,
they may just carry me
down the river i've
always wanted
to explore."
a snipet of a poem that encapsulates well, how i often feel about this whole experience. i think i cried every night for the first 4 days. after that, i only cried during the day. i observed one of those unwritten rules, if you cried at night, you usually ended up either in the psych ward or in "the hole."
but, where i left off above really, was that of my family. the thought that knocked the air out of me, and sent me reeling on tangents to avoid those feelings because sometimes those feelings just still hurt so much. BUT, it is true, isn't it, that if you follow it, a string of thoughts will always remind you of what is THE most important thing in this world to you. and, as it is with every living thing, it is always: our children.
once you become a parent, it can never be anything different.
like all living things in nature, we, who will survive, will die for our babies to live, 4 months in jail ... this is part of my grand adventure called life. this is what moms have done since the beginning of time to protect this species to continue to exist, thrive, grow and bloom, wither and die, to re-surrect once again in our posterity. this is, really, nothing new at all. (well, except that its happening to me!)
i didn't want pictures in jail . . . pictures remind me too much of what i am missing. our little family is very blessed to have patterns of relationships that have always allowed separation in time and space, only usually its daddy off traveling for months. this time, mom is gone. our times of separation are times when we grow the most, this one has been no exception. i knew what i needed to survive 4 months in jail with my spirit in tact, i had to keep myself busy and not dwell on my daughter with every breath of my being (unless i could do so without crying).
of course, my husband listens to me BUT my parents send me all kinds of pictures!
including this one of me and my sister. by the way, she, in the floral print, IS the 'jan brady' in our family!
maybe i do have it all backwards or these are just "blahndwords" in a plastic patterned world.
there are days that are amazing.
know that today is one of them.
peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'
today is day one of the conclusory third (or final 4 months) of a very strange year.
i wonder where lisa luzaich went to law schools some days. she's a smart attorney, her ethics are, in my opinion, completely questionable . . . at least as far as I understand the ethics required and oaths taken when one becomes a lawyer. it is definitely clear to me that she has a completely different understanding of the meanings of, at least, the oath of her "office" as an attorney and member of the bar and court. if this is how she's allowed to act by her fellow attorneys, the state bar and the courts, there's no reason to not do what she did -- why not go with what you know, were taught, didn't question -- it makes life easy for you.
as i look in that mirror that everyone is reflecting back at me, i see a whole lot of myself in lisa luzaich. maybe it was the schools we went to or something where our paths started taking tangential routes, who knows. maybe her bar is closer to the truth than mine, i'm willing to entertain that notion as well. maybe she is just a reflection of who i could have been and chose not to be, and so i can accept her despite her choices.
after all, that's what i want the world to do for me, right?
accept me as i am because of, despite of, or in spite of, my choices.
121 days. how much is one day in YOUR life worth? did you ever think about that? quantify it in terms of value, which quantification we do so well -- we are so fast at quantifying and costing out collateral damage whether its one or 250,000 human lives.
so, now, a reflection from jail.
" Determination (or persistence) --
doing the same thing over and over again
expecting things to change. B) "
i was tired of being told that i was 'crazy' or 'insane' for making the choices that i made in the moment.
i do not know the definition of 'cruel and unusual punishment,' but this is about the third week in a row that i have woken up depressed. Ever since they took "Armstrong" away. I never met her. I only heard her. She was in a cel on the lower tier. She was often funny, playing with the officers to the amusement and enjoyment for everyone, including herself. But the precarious edge where the genius in all of us resides, has a bit more of an edge in some, Armstrong's edge was very ragged.
i wonder still if she was truly psychologically that helpless or whether, she understood everything and was playing the game she found herself in, and was finding the only way of making it interesting for herself. Too bad she likely wasn't given too many options or ideas -- or, most likely, those options and ideas were quickly quashed in her by those who 'knew better' -- when she was a child.
if i ever hear about Armstrong again, and its not good news, i have my notes from my time in jail with her, and they are none to supportive of the way she was treated in jail. but, i already filled out a form and turned it in to the lieutenant on my next to my last day -- that 120th day -- its on someone else to pick-up that ball if its going to be. did i tell you i had to spend an extra day in jail?
yep, how much is that day worth you reckon? if its like one of those days, its worth a whole lot. if it was a day like it should have been, just another day, it wouldn't be worth as much.
or perhaps i have that backwards.
there are days that are priceless.
know that today is one of them.
peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'
